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Samantha who?

So as I completely understand that my work schedule disallows me to have any kind of normal weekend social life, I relish in the fact that the weekend allows me to get things accomplished, like emails and writing, thinking. Things otherwise impossible with a 9-5. I must admit though, I miss having a normal life, and 16 hour shifts are starting to get to me.

So this is my first post for 2008 and I would like to write regularly, however, I am undisciplined, and like anything in life, I never finish things and rarely stick to my original plans. Since the last time I posted I have had yet two more “two-three week” flings….actually they both have been two and a half. What makes it worst is that they are roommates. Tomarrow I will probably speak with the one I broke up with as he mentioned sunday would be a good day for us to talk. I know he still likes me b/c he showed up at my hangout spot the day after the “breakup” - if you can even call it that. LOL

This week was also hard b/c I got in my second fist fight. I was so drunk and threw my drink at an ex, in typical bitch fashion. However, this ex went crazy and came charging. I must admit, although I did not lose this fight, I did not win it either. The next day I sat and thought long and hard as my face was a bit swollen, about why I do such things. I have managed to alienate everybody around me that has cared, sans the family and a few friends that dont drink with me. The alcohol is getting to a point that it almost runs my life…ruins it… I drank all 5 days last week and today, I feel like my body is detoxing….I am physically not feeling well… And of course, b/c I drank, I smoked as well. Every once and a while I have taken a bump but try to keep that to a limit as I know I have an addictive personality. So like Samantha who. Now all I need is something to happen to me so that I can get amnesia, forget about my past where nobody likes me, and start again. Start all over. I have managed to mend ties with a couple of people that I pissed off last year. I feel like things are starting to get out of control though. Fortunately Brian doesnt punch hard but I dont want it to get to the point that one day I lose it, disrespect the wrong person, and end up in jail, the hospital, or both. Thats the last thing I need as I have a professional career and a lot going for me.

So I need to work on myself, but I dont know how to do that. I do know that when I drink is when I start to get in trouble. Other than that, I am a caring individual!! And a good person.

I feel like I am starting to give up on love. What is love? We know it is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not self-seeking. . . But is there really anybody out there that possesses all those qualities? I seriously doubt that. As humans, we are taught to be selfish, to look out for ourselves. On a positive note, I did not cheat on the last several people I have dated. No cheating! woohoo!!!

My mother is once again in chemotherapy. This has been hard on my family. The only thing I can tell her is to “Run the good race” . . she must continue to fight like she did the first go round. I have faith that things will improve. I love her dearly and am almost contemplating moving back home instead of Florida, just so I can be with her. Although the idea of DC gives me a lot of anxiety and I dont know if I can deal with that again. Atlanta is definately not for me though…bunch of …nevermind…

So in closing, I hope these next couple of weeks are a little bit better….That I can gain some motivation to proceed and also, “run that good race” . . Amen!

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